“aren’t you afraid?”

My word retention is improving. I can use words without even having to think about them first; instead of entering through the back of my lexicon house, they knock on the front door. With this improvement though, I have become greedy. I want to form sentences. I want to talk at the level of a middle schooler instead of the fractured, few word scramble I end up serving to people. I really want and almost need to reach out to native speakers! And im hoping this strong desire will help me zipline through this language cloud forest because its hard to see when you’re hiking in it; quickly, your perspective your ambitions can fade. But if you sit on a bench, if you let yourself stop moving and actually feel apart of the scene rather than trying to watch it, you can remember yourself again.

When you don’t know another language all that well, its also easy for the people that speak it to feel surreal or fake. As though you are in a play and are only rehearsing a script that every one already knows by heart. And because you can only talk about the simple things, the people you talk to feel simple as well. But now that I have been grasping on to words and have a better understanding of Indonesian, people like my host family or my language tutors feel even more like real friends and family. I can start to ask them questions, respond to theirs, and talk a little bit more about things other than food (although that’s a great conversation topic!!) But yet I do find myself asking for more and more. “Pada waktunya” (in time)

Last night, I went to a fellow students house to observe traditional Javanese song and dance. Unfortunately, I only was able to see a small slice of that pie because of my curfew (yup, I come home every night between 9 er 9 30). I left by myself, walked through the various streets adorned with foodcart sellers, motorcycles, and stray cats onto the campus of the university I take classes at. Walking alone a few weeks ago made me feel really vulnerable because I did not know the campus layout at all and of course having various signs (and people) speaking to me in Indonesian did not help me to feel comfortable. But with the past two weeks I definitely restored my confidence and thus last night allowed myself to walk home alone. And as I walked down one of the main artery streets, a woman and her brother, riding around on their motorcycle, stopped to chat with me. Towards the vary end of our conversation, the woman asked me, in English “aren’t you afraid? If my girlfriends walk around at night by themselves the feel afraid. Why aren’t you?” and  I said “no” but I did not really know how to answer that question because I guess in all honesty maybe I should be more “cautious.” But here, you do not see too many women at night walking alone. You see men sitting at tables, playing instruments, selling food, or simply just walking around but really no women. And back in California, I totally trotted around by myself. This woman’s question makes me think about when I first came to san Francisco just to visit and how paranoid I was of where my bag was at all times because of pickpocketing and all those other negative types of thoughts. But since I began living there, that fear for san Francisco and Berkeley evaporated because I began viewing those places as home. The same goes for here. I really do view here as home because home definitely is something you take with you. Its not tethered to concrete structures or idling and becoming stagnant within a space—home migrates with you and within you. I take home with me and do not feel afraid because my destination is side me!

I promise I am being smart and careful, not careless. Simply though I am integrating. I am not taking photographs at everything I see or spending all that much time on the computer. Instead I play games and chat with my host family or venture off with my new friends or tutors to different parts of malang, which reminds me. I do want to tell you some actual concrete things without being too dreamy.

Almost every day (even the weekends), I get up between 5 and 6 to get ready for my 8 am class. I have my own room which is nice and cozy. Im digging the white walls and simplicity of this space. Back in Berkeley, as Leilani and Theresa know, the walls of my space talked with colours and photographs while the floors voice was muffled with clothes and books. Here, I don’t have much and am fond of that. (I hope I keep downsizing. I don’t view myself as a person of many things). After rolling around for a minute or two, I pop up and go to the kitchen where my Neknek (grandma) has already begun frying the tempeh and tofu for my breakfast.[ Fried food (goreng) is SO big here (really! Today I had fried mushrooms for lunch. Yummy and surprising at the same time!)] I eat, get dressed in very nice non hippy clothes, and walk over to the campus where I have class for 8 hours every day and time also for tutoring/exploring the city.  When I come back home, I take my shower, eat dinner, play with my sisters (I have two and they are the SWEETEST! Ages 11 and 18), do some homework, and go to sleep. Of course every day has a slight moderation of that schedule but that’s the barebones to it all. By the way, I take cold showers. Every day I take a very cold shower and now I love it! I feel so fresh and especially awake afterwards. In java (maybe in most of Indonesia?) hot showers are thought to be unhealthy for the body, and as a result of this I shiver me timbers a little bit every day. Try taking a cold shower tonight. Even if you cant do it, turn on your shower to cold first and feel that temperature for a second. And if youre ready, submerge and feel ever more connected to my experiences here.

Tonight I toted around malang with my younger sister named mita. Shes beautiful, playful, and definitely a mozic. She held my hand as we walked down streets and past buildings and definitely felt the looks others usually only give me. i feel as though we are really sisters and I can tell that she is happy to be around me as I am her. And, for the record, I love learning from those that are younger! I give her so much respect, attention, and admiration and she is 11 years my junior. No need to make office hours, I simply need to sit next to her and the knowledge party starts happening with a warmness I generate with those I care for back in America. I miss being able to be so open with others! Doing it in another language I am not nearly close to being fluent in makes my emotional self ache at times.

Here, my communication skills here are challenged, but even if I cannot understand or say anything, a smile is all I need.

Smiles during that cold shower you take today!!

ray

My word retention is improving. I can use words without even having to think about them first; instead of entering through the back of my lexicon house, they knock on the front door. With this improvement though, I have become greedy. I want to form sentences. I want to talk at the level of a middle schooler instead of the fractured, few word scramble I end up serving to people. I really want and almost need to reach out to native speakers! And im hoping this strong desire will help me zipline through this language cloud forest because its hard to see when you’re hiking in it; quickly, your perspective your ambitions can fade. But if you sit on a bench, if you let yourself stop moving and actually feel apart of the scene rather than trying to watch it, you can remember yourself again.

When you don’t know another language all that well, its also easy for the people that speak it to feel surreal or fake. As though you are in a play and are only rehearsing a script that every one already knows by heart. And because you can only talk about the simple things, the people you talk to feel simple as well. But now that I have been grasping on to words and have a better understanding of Indonesian, people like my host family or my language tutors feel even more like real friends and family. I can start to ask them questions, respond to theirs, and talk a little bit more about things other than food (although that’s a great conversation topic!!) But yet I do find myself asking for more and more. “Pada waktunya” (in time)

Last night, I went to a fellow students house to observe traditional Javanese song and dance. Unfortunately, I only was able to see a small slice of that pie because of my curfew (yup, I come home every night between 9 er 9 30). I left by myself, walked through the various streets adorned with foodcart sellers, motorcycles, and stray cats onto the campus of the university I take classes at. Walking alone a few weeks ago made me feel really vulnerable because I did not know the campus layout at all and of course having various signs (and people) speaking to me in Indonesian did not help me to feel comfortable. But with the past two weeks I definitely restored my confidence and thus last night allowed myself to walk home alone. And as I walked down one of the main artery streets, a woman and her brother, riding around on their motorcycle, stopped to chat with me. Towards the vary end of our conversation, the woman asked me, in English “aren’t you afraid? If my girlfriends walk around at night by themselves the feel afraid. Why aren’t you?” and  I said “no” but I did not really know how to answer that question because I guess in all honesty maybe I should be more “cautious.” But here, you do not see too many women at night walking alone. You see men sitting at tables, playing instruments, selling food, or simply just walking around but really no women. And back in California, I totally trotted around by myself. This woman’s question makes me think about when I first came to san Francisco just to visit and how paranoid I was of where my bag was at all times because of pickpocketing and all those other negative types of thoughts. But since I began living there, that fear for san Francisco and Berkeley evaporated because I began viewing those places as home. The same goes for here. I really do view here as home because home definitely is something you take with you. Its not tethered to concrete structures or idling and becoming stagnant within a space—home migrates with you and within you. I take home with me and do not feel afraid because my destination is side me!

I promise I am being smart and careful, not careless. Simply though I am integrating. I am not taking photographs at everything I see or spending all that much time on the computer. Instead I play games and chat with my host family or venture off with my new friends or tutors to different parts of malang, which reminds me. I do want to tell you some actual concrete things without being too dreamy.

Almost every day (even the weekends), I get up between 5 and 6 to get ready for my 8 am class. I have my own room which is nice and cozy. Im digging the white walls and simplicity of this space. Back in Berkeley, as Leilani and Theresa know, the walls of my space talked with colours and photographs while the floors voice was muffled with clothes and books. Here, I don’t have much and am fond of that. (I hope I keep downsizing. I don’t view myself as a person of many things). After rolling around for a minute or two, I pop up and go to the kitchen where my Neknek (grandma) has already begun frying the tempeh and tofu for my breakfast.[ Fried food (goreng) is SO big here (really! Today I had fried mushrooms for lunch. Yummy and surprising at the same time!)] I eat, get dressed in very nice non hippy clothes, and walk over to the campus where I have class for 8 hours every day and time also for tutoring/exploring the city.  When I come back home, I take my shower, eat dinner, play with my sisters (I have two and they are the SWEETEST! Ages 11 and 18), do some homework, and go to sleep. Of course every day has a slight moderation of that schedule but that’s the barebones to it all. By the way, I take cold showers. Every day I take a very cold shower and now I love it! I feel so fresh and especially awake afterwards. In java (maybe in most of Indonesia?) hot showers are thought to be unhealthy for the body, and as a result of this I shiver me timbers a little bit every day. Try taking a cold shower tonight. Even if you cant do it, turn on your shower to cold first and feel that temperature for a second. And if youre ready, submerge and feel ever more connected to my experiences here.

Tonight I toted around malang with my younger sister named mita. Shes beautiful, playful, and definitely a mozic. She held my hand as we walked down streets and past buildings and definitely felt the looks others usually only give me. i feel as though we are really sisters and I can tell that she is happy to be around me as I am her. And, for the record, I love learning from those that are younger! I give her so much respect, attention, and admiration and she is 11 years my junior. No need to make office hours, I simply need to sit next to her and the knowledge party starts happening with a warmness I generate with those I care for back in America. I miss being able to be so open with others! Doing it in another language I am not nearly close to being fluent in makes my emotional self ache at times.

Here, my communication skills here are challenged, but even if I cannot understand or say anything, a smile is all I need.

Smiles during that cold shower you take today!!

ray